| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2008|12:32 pm] |
I've been having horrible dreams for weeks now.
The feelings that spawned in last nights dream has creeped into my waking world.
I was at me friend house. We were sitting on her couch. On the opposite side of the room there was another couch. There was a dog on the couch and it appeared to be eating something. I turned to my friend. "What is he doing"
"He's eating a masqerage monkey"
I turn to look at the dog, horrified. I heard the little monkey moaning, crying softly. My heart dropping, my stomach turned.
"I have to do something."
I got up and screamed at the dog. I threw things at him. He looked up at me, face bloody. I threw something heavy at him, and finally he got off.
I walked over at the couch were the monkey was laying. I looked down. The little monkeys abdomen was torn open. I could see his intestine hanging out. One of his eyes were pop and deflated, oozing liquid out. There was blood everywhere. His little chest was rising and falling. I looked into his little face. He looked terrified. He knew death was upon him. He was full of pain, but he did not want to die.
But there was no way to save him. I picked him up. He screamed and it sounded like he screamed "NO!" My heart was weak. I knew I had to end his suffering. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|07:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
Create yourself.
Things are looking up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|11:07 am] |
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The surgery never happened. I kept throwing up and my heart rate was at 130. They're sending me to a cardiologist to make sure There's nothing wrong with my heart. Just another way to post pone this important procedure and rinse out my pockets. I fucking hate doctors. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2008|04:16 pm] |
I'm ready to move on with my life.
I dont know how I'll get to were I want to be
But Im going to fight with every essence of my being
and I wont let anything stand in my way |
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| horrible reaction to microgestin FE 20 |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|12:12 am] |
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I just want it to end. This sinister cloud hovering above me threatening to shower me with acid rain. I just want it to go away. Something is hurting badly. Something deeper than my physical realm. It tears whatever filaments are connecting me with reality. I watch myself spiral out of control. I know its me but I can’t do anything. Watch and scream in an objective reality where eyes and ears are non existent. Sound waves travel through matter but no stimuli to receive it. Please tell me you’ll be there waiting for me when I arrive. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2008|07:44 pm] |
The sun is setting and the energy of the dying day fills me. Dusk was always my favorite .
It reminds me of you.
I am the serpent eating it's own tail.
I ponder the infinite and bloom into a mandala
I look into the sky and sense the strings vibrating all around me
How can I have a sense of peace when life is so violent?
I am self destructive
But I am alive
Life is destruction
Life is destructive
but Im trying. |
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| i'm sorry |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|12:26 pm] |
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i don't know who i am anymore. |
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| ticking |
[Nov. 5th, 2007|07:31 pm] |
ticking
Im just not the one to take advice. I like to get myself into situations that are hard and most of the time painful to come out of.
And recently, I just stopped caring.
I honestly don't know what's going on in that head of mine.
I'll be seriously sick right, and Ill go to the doctors. They diagnose me, give me some meds, and tell me Ill get better soon. Ill go and buy the meds, and feel relieved.
But I never take them as recommended. If I ever take them.
I use to think it was because I didn't trust the doctor. Doctors don't give a shit about their patients, so why should I trust them, right?
But if that really was the case, then why do I even buy the medicine.
I think there some deeper meaning in my actions. And I never mean to hurt anyone.
I don't.
Im starting to realize all this shit about me that I haven't before.
It started when I watched that meteor shower with him. And I even told him " I think Im entering a new chapter in my life" , as stars streaked the skies. |
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| why not |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|02:13 am] |
I'm not that good of a person. In fact, Im the worse that I know.
...and I've come to realize.... my relationships with my friends and lovers are dysfunctonal because I make them.
Thats just the way it is an I dont know why. |
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| everyday |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|07:27 pm] |
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Every day I become more, and more miserable. |
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| alright |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|11:50 pm] |
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I am a strong believer in karma. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2006|02:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
He has been in the family for 16 years... he had recently turned 16 last week. I knew that he was old and worn, but Im still shocked and heartbroken. My poor dog...
My Brother Joel wrote this, I couldnt have put it in better words.
He was the best dog ever. He totally had a Diaz attitude. He only did what he felt like doing...except when it came to obeying my mother...in which case he heeded her every command. He liked hill country fare puppy food at the ripe age of 18 (85 yrs old in dog years) and REFUSED to eat the gerriatric dog food we thought would be good for him. He loved wishbone milk bones,...in was part of our morning ritual to go into the kitchen and get pepper a bone out of the bag before we made ourselves breakfast. He survived snowy el paso winters (no snow in el paso anymore, thank you global warming) and scorching summers, as he was originally an outside dog. But, once in San Antonio, a frightening encounter with a rotweiler persuaded my parents, who were from the latino doctrine of pets outside only, to allow pepper a place in the house. He enjoyed sleeping on my sister's bed, and kicking her in the face when she invaded his bed space.
He loved running away for brief stints, and coming back to face my mother's beatings. During the winters, he loved catching sunrays through our front door window on our dining room carpet, mindfully scootching with the sunlight as the day progressed. He hated all of my sisters's boyfriends, but loved her slumber parties. He also loved cats, hated sugar gliders, and enjoyed punk rock music, to which we attribute his deafness later in his life(thank you mabel)
He liked tomatoes, loved bananas and apples but hated lettuce. He knew that when I was home, it was a ritual of mine to boil eggs, and discard the egg yolk, so he would patiently sit at the breakfast nook awaiting those delicious yellow balls of wholesome cholesterol.
He knew when any of us were sad, and would go and lick your arm, or leg, to let you know he was there for you. He recognized me, after a year away in China...
It was very difficult to receive these news from my mother. It's difficult now to type this without having my eyes swell up again.
Pepper was loved by ALL the members in the family. Even my normally stoic brother, who nonchalantly expresses his affection for other family members, enjoyed pepper's prescence...even tho pepper didn't venture too much into his room.
He is survived by me, Mabel, bruno, dad and mom, and all of our extended family whose life he's touched in one way or another. My grandfather, who's 85 years old, felt a comical connection to pepper for having survived so long. My aunt who lived with us for a couple years out of our lives would accompany pepper in the backyard as she smoked her daily camel lights; everytime she would reach for the smokes, pepper would know it's outside time. Other members of the family were touched as well.
He will be missed by all. He died a peaceful death, September 9, 2006.
You will be missed my Peepers |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|08:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
Procastinating is just my style.. nothing feels right unless its done at the very last minute. I love the feeling of scaring myself shitless.
This summer has been a large rubber band ball of insignificant and useless events. Nothing exciting has happen... Nothing to report. Just working and more working. Working at Lubys is pointless. I make money and spend it on shit. 10 hours of slaving myself over hot food can buy me a cute outfit that I never get the chance to wear because Im constantly in the stupid uniform. Is it really worth it? It obviously is, I havent quit yet.
Were am I going with this? Like any subject that seems to float in my head, nowhere. |
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| ...ssooooo |
[Mar. 17th, 2006|05:29 pm] |
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Im so afraid of loss. |
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| bluh |
[Mar. 3rd, 2006|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Name ten things that bring you a moment of joy; tag five friends to do the same.
1)Being with Ted
2)When Ted calls me (it gets me ever time... I dont know why)
3)When Les is curled up in my hand all sleepy like and I pet him and he looks up at me.
4)My dog Pepper.
5)Watching 10th Kingdom
6)Talking to old friends again
7)Laughing really hard with someone
8)When you have a sneeze stuck in your nostrils and you finally get it out. OH MAN THATS GOOD.
9)Good music
10)and.... Ted.
I tag: whoever is willing to do this. |
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| Fucking shit |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|07:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I havent been this happy with anyone else, than I have been with Ted.
Why does it feel like no one likes seeing us together!? I dont understand. I've been dragged through the dirt, and finally when I find some one to make me feel incredible, it feelS like every one is against it.
You know what I say to those who object:
FUCK YOU. |
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almost_touching's journal
I love Ted!